Where is the apocalypse I ordered?

I’m a little disappointed that there was no apocalypse after all. I’m not getting into tiresome end of the world jokes here, that was actually a (kind of) serious statement.

This is not to say that I really felt that fighting zombies or running futilely away from a giant asteroid would have been the best uses of my time yesterday. However part of me has always wanted to see what would happen to our complacent, stodgy North American society if shit got suddenly real.

I mean come on, we are still living in a world where we can seriously debate a woman’s right to choose whether or not she bears a child to that douchebag she ill-advisedly had sex with after one too many tequila shots. People still have to fight for the right to be with the person they love. It is a huge crisis if we can’t get our snotty teenagers the latest superphone for Christmas. Like seriously people, can we not evolve already? Get a little perspective?

I can't believe that barista put 2% in my latte when I clearly ordered soy.

I can’t believe that barista put 2% in my latte when I clearly ordered soy.

I think Tim Minchin said it best:

Millions of kids in starving nations
Living their life with no Playstations
AIDS and war, no vaccinations
Living their life with no Playstations

If all the kids in Africa had broadband and a Playstation three
It might not solve their problems but by jove it would make them happy
It would surely take their minds off clean water and rice
Getting to shoot donut eating American kids in their big fat faces
With fuck-off plasma guns
Happy little Africuns

Now I am also not going to beak off about “the things that really matter.” I’m not going to tell you what your priorities should be. What the fuck do I know about that? I tried doing that last year when I was blogging for Occupy and maybe one person took half a second to question their rampant, unthinking consumerism before going back to watching TV and getting a hardon for whatever gimmicky must-have products were parading across their screen at the time. I have no idea.

I have no idea what makes people give more of a damn about interfering with the happy relationships of others simply because they are offended by the gender ratio than treating their own loved ones decently. I have no idea where anybody gets the money to buy all this pointless obligatory shit for Christmas. I’ve stepped aside from all of that to the point where I am way out of touch with what I’m supposed to buy my snotty teenage nieces and nephews for Christmas. Does this mean I think zombies are the answer? Maybe.

Holy fuck my train of thought is a little extra fractal today eh? Ok try to stay with me on this, though I’m having trouble keeping up with myself at this point and I have no idea what I’m about to say next. Isn’t that exciting?

Ok, zombies, giant asteroids, super volcanoes. These are things I sometimes think would be preferable to seeing one more poster about how God Hates Fags or graphic anti-abortion propaganda or riot at Best Buy. And this is not because I think we would all be better off dead, that isn’t what I’m getting at. But I think it would do us all some good to have a drastic reminder that we are vulnerable little animals in a fucking huge universe and that humans are capable of amazing things when in serious danger of being eaten.

Also, I would do just about anything to witness Stephen Harper being eaten by a zombie. That would be so awesome. I would turn zombie myself for the chance to bite that guy’s head, honest to god, and I am highly phobic of being turned into a zombie.

But here we are, December 22 and not one zombie anywhere. Not one tiny hurricane or earthquake. Not even the grateful sense of a narrowly averted disaster to shock some consciousness into our media numbed heads. And that sucks.

While I appreciate the irony of ad links being force-inserted into this post, I don’t like it a bit.

Next topic… MAGIC! Stay tuned.

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