Disclaimer: This is a subject about which I feel very strongly. What follows is an angry, sweary rant that some may find excessive. However the first draft was just one long stream of outraged profanity and gibberish produced by pounding my head on the keyboard in frustrated incredulity, so deal with it.
I understand. You’ve spent five minutes of your life that you will never get back watching in horrified fascination as someone famous does something repugnant. You did this because it’s viral because it’s terrible and you think, “If I can’t unsee this, no one else should be allowed to either.”
I am addicted to net vomit myself. I spend far too much time doing Buzzfeed quizzes. I frequently fail to resist (though I try. oh god I try) the vaguely titled clickbait on Upworthy. I have an uncanny knack for finding shit like this and this and this and this and oh god wtf is that?
K shut up, that Mister Rogers one was awesome. Otherwise… just woah.
I’m notorious for sharing this kind of crap. On my headstone it will say, “Where did she find this stuff?” My favourite thing to do with my sister is make her watch my latest finds when she comes over. She pretends to be disgusted but secretly loves them. She showed me that last link, so what does that tell you? Whatever you say, sis. Weirdo.
The biggest reason I love the internet as I do is because it has allowed all of us, the bizarre, the far left field and just plain fucked up members of society to have a voice and to influence the sense of humour of humanity forever… or at least until they invent something better than Youtube. I can’t help but just adore it this kind of stupid, crazy nonsense and I believe it deserves to be known far and wide.
But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the real garbage. The stuff that isn’t awesome because it’s bad or ridiculous, it’s bad because it’s bad. It’s so inexplicably bad that it might not even know it is bad, and that’s the problem. There are people who are so famous, so used to having their own way and so somehow successful that they can do any damn thing they want and someone will give it a green light and back it with actual money. But we, the Internet, know it’s bad, and we express our disapproval by… sharing the everloving fuck out of it.
Yesterday, no less than seven times on social media, I saw links to the latest Avril Lavigne/Chad Kroeger collaboration. This unholy pairing of blasphemers of all that is rock have co-written a “song” that is an utterly heinous offense to music, lyrics and taste. It’s accompanied by a gawdawful, indescribably dreadful and frankly fucking stupid video that no one can goddamn resist forcing upon their fellow man. This despite every one of the articles carrying the video stating that the Internet has unanimously panned it for being officially the worst thing ever. Instances of this video are being pulled down all over the net. Yet a persistent gaggle of journalists have insisted on preserving and promoting it in all its douchebagging glory and now it’s fucking trending. And no I am not posting a link. You can just Google it yourself if you care that much. Better yet, use Bing, since your standards are already in the toilet.
But we love to revel in our superiority, right? By sharing the content and our negative opinions of it at the same time we continue to guarantee our place within the tribe of Cool, Socially Acceptable, and Definitely In No Way Affiliated With These Clueless Louts Cuz Please Dude, I’m Just Sharing This To Show How Stupid I’m Not.
So let’s consider for a moment the actual results of all this misplaced contempt-promotion. Every click on Avril’s website is… one more reason for her to keep making this shit! Remember the Miley Cyrus VMA “scandal”? How everyone talked for weeks about her “shocking” performance? That did more for her career than a thousand approving reviews could have. The US petition to have Beiber deported back to Canada? Do you know how many young, impressionable Canadian girls are just dying to comfort that little shit the second he crosses the border?
These people are just happy we are talking about them, and it just encourages them to do more idiotic things. If we could just shut up about them for five goddamn minutes they would get the results they actually deserve.
They would be ignored. Not even ostracised. that takes energy and gives them too much power. No. Simply forgotten. Bereft of the Food of The Celebrities: fame, controversy, paparazzi, buzz.
Stop wasting your time on these people. Stop giving them your clicks. Please, please for the love of all that is good and right, stop encouraging their assininery with your attention and foisting it on everyone else. Let them die in the oubliette of internet obscurity, them and all their kind.
I made it through about a minute of that Lavigne vid and it was a minute too many. You may be thinking that if it’s this worthy of anyone’s ire that you need to see it, share it and mock it at length, but if you do you’re playing right into her record company’s hands and helping her stay in the spotlight, when there are so many talented people who deserve to be there more. Are you a robot slave of the rich and famous? No? Then knock it the fuck off.
I’ve been guilty of the same, and I want to do my part to make up for that, so I make you this promise right now. I will never again promote any one of these dumbfucks. I will not mention the Cyruses, the Beibers, the Nickelbacks or their untalented wives in this blog ever again. Just do me a favour and stand with me on this. I’m just one blogger, but together we can help make the internet a better place for everyone. Well, except those guys. Fuck those guys.